The Bachelorette: Tatting it Up

ALI’S APPEARANCE ON A BIG SCREEN IN TIMES SQUARE: 0

Corny and embarrassing.  Enough said.

KASEY’S CATCH PHRASE: 0

If he says “I’m here to guard and protect her heart” one more time I’M gonna kick him off the show.  We get the point dude.  Now get off your soapbox.

ALI’S FEAR OF HEIGHTS: 2

Originally it was cute and a great excuse to cuddle up close to whoever she was on a date with at the time, I’m now past skeptical.  If you’re so scared of heights Ali, why are you flying somewhere on EVERY date?!

+2- I’m sure there’s some reality in it… somewhere.

THE WEATHERMAN: 9

-1 because I’m not convinced I’d actually date him, but other than that he’s HILARIOUS.  Seriously, I think he’s underrated.  The guy is constantly making funny jokes (especially this week’s bit about the sh*t storm), he’s clever, he’s definitely genuine, and most importantly he’s just a nice dude.

At one point on the group date he walks over to grab Ali and got the vibe he was interrupting some serious alone time.  So he offered to let them be and come back.  After all my many years of watching The Bachelor and Bachelorette, I’ve ALWAYS felt like this was something people should do more often, yet this is honestly the first time I’ve ever seen it done.

Ultimately he lost his one-on-one time, all in the spirit of being a good guy.  I’m actually pretty disappointed in Ali, who didn’t recognize this gesture, and ignored the fact that he should have gotten her attention next.  Definitely dropped her a couple points in my book.

I’m sad he left and hope he gets lots of dates from here on out.  You’re a good guy, weatherdude.

JESSE’S SEXINESS: 10

I’m sad to see him go only because I’ve totally loved watching him the past couple weeks.  Your beautiful face will be missed Jesse.

THIS PICTURE’S ABILITY TO DO HIS FACE JUSTICE: 0

KASEY’S TATTOO: 0

I want to start by saying that I do genuinely believe Kasey is here for the right reasons, and really wants to fall in love with Ali.

I also genuinely believe he’s crazy and his voice is incredibly annoying.

A tat dude?   Seriously?  Guarding her heart FOREVER?  Believe it or not friends, there is now someone more impulsive than me.  And a whole lot crazier.  Did I mention that yet?

Poor, poor decisions being made.

RANDOM DUDE: 2

Who the hell is this guy?  And how are we four episodes in and I don’t even know his name?  He must be super boring for the producers to cut out all of his commentary.

And he got a rose.  SERIOUSLY?  Have you spent any one-on-one time with Ali?

+2 cause he hasn’t done anything crazy.  Yet.  And he’s decent looking.  Minus the mullet.

ALI’S JUMPSUIT: 3

Is this fashionable now?  Took me a while to figure out exactly what was going on, but eventually I did.  Too loose on top, and not all that flattering.  Could be worse I suppose.

It also appears that ABC.com is hiding all evidence of the ugly jumpsuit, as no pictures could be found.

Interesting…

Until next week, just living for the tens

The Bachelor: Season Finale

TENLEY’S IMPRESSION ON THE FAMILY: 10

In all my years watching The Bachelor (and The Bachelorette) I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a family visit go so well.  The father was in tears almost immediately, the mom was picturing her as part of the family, and the sister-in-laws loved her.  Everyone was convinced except for Jake.

VIENNA’S IMPRESSION ON THE FAMILY: 2

You couldn’t help but laugh at the start of Vienna’s family visit.  They were so charmed by Tenley, and Jake had already given them such a bad impression of Vienna, it was bound to not go well.  Her immaturity showed immediately, in her word choice, in the way she speaks, in the ‘playful’ way she answered their questions.

FAMILY: So what is it you like about Jake?  (a classic Bachelor family question)

VIENNA:  Ummmm… well…. I don’t wanna give him a big head (grin, haha).

Basically she didn’t even tell his family why it is she’s still there, and why she deserves the ring.

Then she goes on to tell them that none of the girls liked her because she tells it like she is.  One of the sister-in-laws asks if she thinks she’s pretty (since Vienna said she couldn’t lie), then if she looked fat in her outfit, to which Vienna thought it was appropriate to answer yes (‘jokingly’ of course).  AWKWARD.

She also had the nerve to talk trash about Tenley, the sweetest girl alive, behind her back.  Little did she know how much the family had loved her, therefore how much this probably hurt their impression of her.

I will admit she did a bit better in her one-on-two time with the sister-in-laws, and one-on-one time with the mom, hence the +2.

Overall this parent meeting was a bit painful to watch.  And I’m pretty sure Jake’s dad will never forgive him for not picking Tenley.

JAKE’S ADMISSION TO HIS DESIRE FOR A LITTLE ROUGH-HOUSING: 10

‘I’m not sure Tenley knows about my playful side- the side that comes from growing up with two brothers.  Basically, I don’t think she knows yet that if she stands on the edge of the pool, I’m gonna push her in.’

First thing he’s said all season that makes me like him.  A lot.

From the parental visits we moved on to the ‘last dates’.  I’ve got to give Vienna some credit here.

VIENNA’S LOVE NOTE: 8

While a bit cliche, the last note she wrote him did what she does best one last time.  From the very start Vienna has been super open with how she feels about Jake, and honestly I think this is one of the big reasons she stuck around.

We as audience members see all the confessionals, so know how much the women like Jake.  We forget that from his perspective, without them telling him, he might have very little idea what they’re feeling, and whether they’re into him.  He seems a bit insecure, so a woman who’s constantly telling him how she feels is pretty appealing.

However, I still don’t get what that ring is all about and why she felt the need to give it to him.

WEIRD, AWKWARD SHOTS WHERE THEY STAND AND STARE: 3

Especially the season finale, but really all throughout the season, we get these nice, beautiful long shots of women staring out over their balconies.  There’s no one who just does this naturally all the time, so all I can think about when I see them is how awkward it probably is when the producers ask them to stand on their balcony, or by the beach, or somewhere else equally beautiful, and look off thoughtfully.  I wonder if they’re actually thinking about Jake at all…

VIENNA’S TUTUS: 2

I’ve had just about enough of this one bikini we see Vienna in in almost every episode.  You know, the one with the tutu on the bottom.  JAKE- BUY HER A NEW BATHING SUIT.  One that might be worn by someone not on spring break, or 7 years old, please.

JAKE’S FAKE OUT: 3

I know The Bachelor has been on a while now, and each Bachelor/Bachelorette has to work hard to make their own special moment (aka the proposal) special, but Jake went out of his way to make Vienna think she was going home.  There’s a certain point where it’s just plain mean, and I think he hit that point.

TENLEY’S FAILURE TO COMMENT ON HER BROKEN DRESS: 0

Of course the first thing they do on ‘After the Final Rose’ is show the last 10 minutes of the show over again (despite the fact that we LITERALLY just saw it), but with an added screen showing Tenley’s face as she watches.

Well, as I’m sure everyone noticed, the back of her dress appeared to have broken open right before walking up to Jake.  It appeared ripped, and was practically hanging open.

When they cut back to her after the clip I couldn’t believe she didn’t comment on it!  It seemed like it would have been an appropriate response when Jake first asks ‘So what were you thinking as you watched that again?’

I think this quote sums up the evening:

‘I feel like I’m trying to talk people into Vienna…’

Welcome to your new life Jake.

ALI AS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE: 8

I have a theory about this…

Ali makes it into the final four… she kinda likes Jake and is having fun, but realizes out of the four left she’s got the best chance of being the next Bachelorette (since every Bachelorette has come from the Bachelor season before, this is a pretty safe bet).

So, rather than take her chances sticking around, meaning she might have to actually be with him, she makes up the fact that her job ‘won’t let her stay’.  She leaves dramatically, allowing everyone to still love her AND giving her a shot at Bachelorette (since if she chose to leave because she didn’t like Jake enough I’m pretty sure she’d be out of the funning).

Now all of a sudden her work is okay with an even longer extended break… interesting.

-2 for the sketchy manipulation, but other than that I kinda like her, AND it guarantees yet another season of Bachelor(ette) ratings!

Well, that’s it for this season friends!  Until next season, just living for the tens